I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
