fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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