Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
