My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
