Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
