Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
