I just pynch a tree in the face
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
