hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
