we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
