Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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