The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
