Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
