I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
