Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Randomize
