All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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