I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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