two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
