Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
It's shark week go big or go home
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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