Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
