I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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