you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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