Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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