Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I love having hate sex.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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