so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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