I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
