I love black thongs
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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