Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
