the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
third nipple confirmed
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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