Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
