my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
pop tarts are not kleenex
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
