I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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