He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
