I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
