Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
