dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
