I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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