nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
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