Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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