Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
