But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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