Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
