I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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