He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
