I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
