They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
