I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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