Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
