I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
