My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Randomize
