No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
