The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
