all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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