I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
